Things could be better, things could be worse. This pedestrian standard along with boredom is indeed a disease of the 20th century. You would think that after spending three months traveling and two months of demob at home, that there would be a sense of revitalization. But there isn’t; here I am, just treading water.
Part of the reasoning to head out for a longer trip was to preempt any mid-life crisis and the ever-suffocating lack of desire and fulfilment. Nothing changed and my choices have continued to dissuade any headway. I’m open to the possibility that I’ve reached my peak and the punctuation in pushing my extremes is no longer necessary, or required. I need really convincing of this. I’m not going quietly.
At the end of last month, I took a partial step backward by accepting a position that offers substantial pay and rewards my patience and push-button prowess, with the ability to pay off the remaining travel expenses within 7 weeks. After this time, I’ve got to find the determination, drive and will to get out of the QA holding cells I keep locking myself in and develop new tactics toward the most fulfilling way I can continue to pay the bills. I had hoped to make this transition after getting back from Europe but I’m still taunted with its evasion.
The majority of my negativity, is the by-product of unmedicated depression (I suffer from self-recognized periodic depression and self-medicate by riding the storm). I won’t even start on my relationships but as part of my make-up as a human, I’m hard-wired to continue thinking that I’ll end up living life alone and I’m OK with that. The people that know me the best accept my complexities, even if they don’t understand them and it would be unforgivable of me to not acknowledge the importance they play in my life.
For the next month or two, I’ll tread water less and grasp the will to float more. I should be laying back and listening for ships on the horizon, that indicate the best passage out of this sea. Sometimes, we can be deafened by the sound of our voices asking too many questions.